It forced me to go back in order to go forward, to go in order to get out. It held me firmly in the space in between what was and what I wanted to be. All those miles pushed me to really deal with my past, my pain, and my own behavior in response to both. It allowed me to prepare my head, my heart, for what was next. And for these transformations, preparation is paramount.

To quit is to be weak. To quit is to fail. As an ultrarunner, this mentality has been one of my greatest assets. Unfortunately, in life, it’s been one of my greatest liabilities.

So maybe balance isn’t the goal at all, unless you want life in two dimensions, locked in a perfect symmetry. Maybe the goal should be something messier, richer, and with more movement. Maybe instead of balance, we go for harmony. 

We tell ourselves, hell the entire fitness community tells us, that we can always just dig down deeper, pull from our reserves. We push through, go harder, longer, faster. We sacrifice sleep for early morning miles and again for late night weight sessions. We do two things at once because we know we don’t have more hours, but we do have more energy. We can fake it with coffee and Red Bulls, Instagram reels, or a splash of cold water to the face. We never think of our energy, our focus, as exhaustible. 

Until we are exhausted.